this is a compilation of poetry that i’ve written within the last 7-ish years
‘a collection of scribbles and sanity in the search for sonja’
i miss you and i’ve never even met you.
i think i miss the notion,
the intangible possibility of you
an idea of hope given by a mere
potential concerning your existence.
i miss you,
i long for you,
but you are a figment of self-preservation,
of imagination and indignation
regarding the current state of a life unlived
one in the abyss of mysterious daydreams.
an unreal reality,
a contradictory and complex illustration
found between ink stains and printed words
heard through lyrical compositions and piano keys
felt only within the recesses of my mind.
i miss you,
but i don’t see you.
i don’t know what i’m looking for
or how to find you.
maybe a letter or chance encounter.
there’s no way to guarantee Fate’s intervention
and Irony loves to play with me for sport.
– november 17, 2021
when i cannot find the words, will you come and pry them out of the brick and mortar that i’ve convinced myself is safety but is truly fear?
when the depth of darkness in the words creates shadows and fog akin to smoke, will you run or inhale the shades of me?
when the hurricanes and torrential downpours of my tears stream into floods, will you leave me to drown or share your lonely floating plank of wood?
when we are surrounded by the nowhere of everything and everyone, will you still believe in us or follow the monotonous lie of the world?
i’m dissociating
rotating
spinning down the drain
leaving a tornado of emotions and thoughts in my wake
the numbness lets it all roll off like water on a stone.
but the thing is, water eventually permeates,
it softens and weaves its way past the hard exterior.
and one way or another, i’ll be surrounded by the debris of my heart.
oh i hope mnemosyne can help me piece it all back together,
after all, memories are all we have to make up our reality and identity
supposedly, understanding the past helps one feel the present,
and poise oneself for the future.
but if i’m being honest, i rarely understand what i’m feeling.
so how am i ever expected to partake in the affair of life
when i am only half-human?
// november 06, 2021 //
// february 03, 2013 //
my hand was shaped
scraped and damaged
just so it would be ready
to fit perfectly with yours
the bends and curves
the scabs and calluses
they all mould together
to the most perfectly imperfect
shape i’ve ever seen
i shouldn’t like that you seem to have marked me
and yet i find myself liking the idea that you are a part of me
that you want to have a sign of yourself upon me
i shouldn’t like that a part of you claims me
or that a part of me claims you
and yet
i like that there is a piece of you upon me
and a piece of me upon you
- november 19, 2018
the more i look into those eyes
the more i realise how i will
never
ever
be able to find the words
to tell the world how luminous
and kind and pure
how truly lovely and beautiful
the person behind them is
- words have never failed me before
i wish hardship and mountains and difficulty for you
just so you appreciate the light
because as long as you have me
you are not alone
no matter what may come your way
so breathe, be still, let it out
and know, without a doubt
that i am by your side
always
and will hold your hand
through heaven and hell
- it never seems as scary or as difficult when you have someone by your side
i don’t believe in fate,
that’s why i like to think our meeting was
a happy accident.
it could’ve happened anywhere and at any time,
in a thousand different ways.
if one thing had been slightly different,
who knows where we’d be now.
i do not want to be defined by others
i want to define myself and reach the depths of my soul
explore all the caves there to find the light
- i want to be okay being alone
your soul is scattered
while mine contained
you bare your heart out
and love everyone with all that you can
while i am friendly and kind
but too afraid to love
the people i care about
fearful that they’ll hurt me
i need to be more like you
more brave and fearless
i need to take the chances
i need to appreciate the sun on my face
not hide in the shade
accept the warmth
not hide from change
time to live my life
and let it hurt me
- i surrender; i am ready to scatter my soul
i am afraid that we’ll burn so bright we consume one another
and leave nothing but carbon crumbs
but darling, diamonds are made from carbon
and you are nothing if not a diamond in disguise
hiding that brilliant core of blinding light
that will dazzle the world into a trance
//you are brighter than all the suns combined//
you used to say that love is a lottery
i’m still betting on us
even though the ticket has proven
that the numbers aren’t right
i just don’t want to admit that i lost
i’ve been sitting here for a week
trying to figure out how to say it
how to put what i feel for you into words
but i don’t think the words exist
and that in and of itself speaks volumes
you have a type and i fit right into it
i don’t break the mould and i’m not special
i’m just the second best along the way for you to choose her
again and again and again and again
the flame hurts
it hurts because it burns
it burns because i know i shouldn’t be thinking this way
it’s selfish and wrong and i hate that i can’t help but wonder… why not?
then i remember i am flawed in ways she is not
i overthink, i’m needy but i also need space, i’m whiny and i like to talk a lot about the things that do not matter
i am scared to speak my mind about the things that do matter because i am afraid of being alone and messing up
i’m the wrong choice in so many ways and yet i wish i was the right one
i wish i was the right one in more ways than words can express
when i see you hurting, i’m always torn because i want to be there but i know you
i know you’ll want to distract yourself and i don’t want to be a distraction
i don’t want to be the one you use to forget
- people always use me
it’s all cracked a bit
the fractures are splitting
at first slowly
but now they’re coming apart
as fast as an earthquake
gushing out from my walled-up heart
out into the open
it’s all burst and here i am
waiting for the waterfall to end
for the day when only
the smell of the rain will remain
- petrichor
it hurts when you care more than they do,
when the glass case protecting your heart
is shattered into a thousand pieces,
miniscule shards travel your bloodstream,
cutting you apart from the inside out.
- drowning in your own blood from pain is not an experience i recommend
i am the middle of everything
a memorable moment
but never the beginning of something
wonderful and new
nor the end of an epic story
i am something to simply pass the time
i would rather be hurt by the truth
than torn apart by a lie
phoenix
you set me afire
to my very core
every part of me sparked
and burned bright
like beautiful dancing flames
entrancing and all consuming
until you burned too much
too high
too hot
and began to scorch and tear
the very core you had set aflame
i crumbled into charcoal and dust
i was no longer whole
but a thousand microscopic ashes
of pain and regret
a pile of dirt you kicked about
but i realise now
i was not ashes and dust and dirt
but a thousand infinitesimal
diamonds in the rough
waiting to be reconstructed
reborn
into a brilliant masterpiece
full of lessons and beauty
of strength and iridescence
i was so much more than those ashes
i am so much more
i realise now
i needed the flame to burn me
so that i could uncover and understand
the spectacular
perplexing
bewildering
incandescence
that lives within me
- how will you ever heal if you have not burned?
you wouldn’t be where you are today without the mistakes you made in the past
be thankful you messed up
you’ve learned
you’ve grown
you’ve changed
you are learning still
growing still
discovering the light within
shine
crack
break
grow
and shine brighter
this is an ending but it is not the end
an ending is also a new beginning
for every day ends when the light of a new one begins
i’ve tried for so long
not to let your words
become permanently etched in ink onto
the skin of my soul
but i am stained with colour
i am permanently marked by your existence
and i cannot help but cry and laugh all at once
as the colours bleed into everything
i touch
i say
i do
- i am permanently blended with you
i can still feel all your broken promises
your whispered words
and fiery kisses
like a ghost on my lips
i feel you in the whispers of the wind
telling me that i am not alone
just because i cannot see
the stars and the moon
in this darkness
doesn’t mean they aren’t shining for me
i hold scars and fractures
evidence of the will of the world
on my head and my heart
i heal and i break
constantly
sometimes i break more than i heal
i am unfinished
but i am not without process
i am whole and shattered
it is as if i was drowning with rocks attached to my feet
like i was walking on a road made of rose thorns
and now i am surrounded by the lake of past memories
walking on the clouds above the world i once knew
ready to jump and fly again
an unknown
sitting in an empty apartment
with brand new lingerie that doesn’t quite fit
letting the open window
filter the noise of a city unknown
undiscovered
i am not me
i am living in a limbo
between
the old and the new
ready to figure it out
to fail and to cry
to try
nothing fits quite yet
but it is up to me
to see what does
- the puzzle will come together
i was right about us
we shone so bright that we burst into flames
i’m not sure when they turned from
heats of love to burns of rage
sometimes no matter how much you care
we outgrow one another
shooting in different directions
wrapping and reaching
weaving through life
it’s hard when the seasons change and the people don’t
we were always broke but it took the pain of us ending to realise that it was pre-destined this way from the start
it started with a glass of red wine
a previously unliked crimson liquid which transformed into a warm and welcome surprise
much like you - unexpected, never thought of or previously considered
a new possibility
empty wine bottles adorn in my flat now - serving like pictures
snapshots of evenings and discussions had over the contents of the now empty glass
decorations and reminders of moments in time i don’t want to forget
you are poetry,
soft-spoken, unassuming, stringing stories into words. you are hidden in the depths of ink and leave behind a mark.
you are poetry,
bold and shocking. loud and saying ‘i am here. i deserve to be heard.’ the voice is eloquent and wholly you, showing yourself in the choir that you are surrounded by.
you are poetry,
a blend of art and everyday tools - words, voices, thoughts. the mix is a colour i’ve never seen, a sound i’ve never heard, a scent i’ve never tasted, a feeling i’ve never grasped.
you are poetry,
i will never forget the impression you have left behind, etched into my soul evermore.