this is a compilation of poetry that i’ve written within the last 7-ish years

‘a collection of scribbles and sanity in the search for sonja’

 

i miss you and i’ve never even met you.

i think i miss the notion,

the intangible possibility of you

an idea of hope given by a mere

potential concerning your existence.

i miss you,

i long for you,

but you are a figment of self-preservation,

of imagination and indignation

regarding the current state of a life unlived

one in the abyss of mysterious daydreams.

an unreal reality,

a contradictory and complex illustration

found between ink stains and printed words

heard through lyrical compositions and piano keys

felt only within the recesses of my mind.

i miss you,

but i don’t see you.

i don’t know what i’m looking for

or how to find you.

maybe a letter or chance encounter.

there’s no way to guarantee Fate’s intervention

and Irony loves to play with me for sport.

– november 17, 2021

when i cannot find the words, will you come and pry them out of the brick and mortar that i’ve convinced myself is safety but is truly fear?

when the depth of darkness in the words creates shadows and fog akin to smoke, will you run or inhale the shades of me?

when the hurricanes and torrential downpours of my tears stream into floods, will you leave me to drown or share your lonely floating plank of wood?

when we are surrounded by the nowhere of everything and everyone, will you still believe in us or follow the monotonous lie of the world?

i’m dissociating

rotating

spinning down the drain

leaving a tornado of emotions and thoughts in my wake

the numbness lets it all roll off like water on a stone.

but the thing is, water eventually permeates,

it softens and weaves its way past the hard exterior.

and one way or another, i’ll be surrounded by the debris of my heart.

oh i hope mnemosyne can help me piece it all back together,

after all, memories are all we have to make up our reality and identity

supposedly, understanding the past helps one feel the present,

and poise oneself for the future.

but if i’m being honest, i rarely understand what i’m feeling.

so how am i ever expected to partake in the affair of life

when i am only half-human?

// november 06, 2021 //

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// february 03, 2013 //

my hand was shaped

scraped and damaged

just so it would be ready

to fit perfectly with yours

 

the bends and curves

the scabs and calluses

they all mould together

to the most perfectly imperfect

shape i’ve ever seen

i shouldn’t like that you seem to have marked me

and yet i find myself liking the idea that you are a part of me

that you want to have a sign of yourself upon me

 

i shouldn’t like that a part of you claims me

or that a part of me claims you

and yet

i like that there is a piece of you upon me

and a piece of me upon you

 

-       november 19, 2018

the more i look into those eyes

the more i realise how i will

never

ever

be able to find the words

to tell the world how luminous

and kind and pure

how truly lovely and beautiful

the person behind them is 

- words have never failed me before

i wish hardship and mountains and difficulty for you

just so you appreciate the light

because as long as you have me

you are not alone

no matter what may come your way

 

so breathe, be still, let it out

and know, without a doubt

that i am by your side

always

and will hold your hand

through heaven and hell

 

- it never seems as scary or as difficult when you have someone by your side

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i don’t believe in fate,

that’s why i like to think our meeting was

a happy accident.

 

it could’ve happened anywhere and at any time,

in a thousand different ways.

if one thing had been slightly different,

who knows where we’d be now.

read more

i do not want to be defined by others

i want to define myself and reach the depths of my soul

explore all the caves there to find the light

 

-       i want to be okay being alone

your soul is scattered

while mine contained

you bare your heart out

and love everyone with all that you can

while i am friendly and kind

but too afraid to love

the people i care about

fearful that they’ll hurt me

i need to be more like you

more brave and fearless

i need to take the chances

i need to appreciate the sun on my face

not hide in the shade

accept the warmth

not hide from change

time to live my life

and let it hurt me

 

-       i surrender; i am ready to scatter my soul

 
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i am afraid that we’ll burn so bright we consume one another

and leave nothing but carbon crumbs

but darling, diamonds are made from carbon

and you are nothing if not a diamond in disguise

hiding that brilliant core of blinding light

that will dazzle the world into a trance 

//you are brighter than all the suns combined//

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you used to say that love is a lottery

i’m still betting on us

even though the ticket has proven

that the numbers aren’t right

i just don’t want to admit that i lost

i’ve been sitting here for a week

trying to figure out how to say it

how to put what i feel for you into words

but i don’t think the words exist

and that in and of itself speaks volumes

 
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you have a type and i fit right into it

i don’t break the mould and i’m not special

i’m just the second best along the way for you to choose her

again and again and again and again

the flame hurts

it hurts because it burns

it burns because i know i shouldn’t be thinking this way

it’s selfish and wrong and i hate that i can’t help but wonder… why not?

then i remember i am flawed in ways she is not

i overthink, i’m needy but i also need space, i’m whiny and i like to talk a lot about the things that do not matter

i am scared to speak my mind about the things that do matter because i am afraid of being alone and messing up

i’m the wrong choice in so many ways and yet i wish i was the right one

i wish i was the right one in more ways than words can express

 
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when i see you hurting, i’m always torn because i want to be there but i know you

i know you’ll want to distract yourself and i don’t want to be a distraction

i don’t want to be the one you use to forget

 

-       people always use me

it’s all cracked a bit

the fractures are splitting

at first slowly

but now they’re coming apart

as fast as an earthquake

gushing out from my walled-up heart

out into the open

it’s all burst and here i am

waiting for the waterfall to end

for the day when only

the smell of the rain will remain

 

- petrichor

 
 

it hurts when you care more than they do,

when the glass case protecting your heart

is shattered into a thousand pieces,

miniscule shards travel your bloodstream,

cutting you apart from the inside out.

-       drowning in your own blood from pain is not an experience i recommend

i am the middle of everything

a memorable moment

but never the beginning of something

wonderful and new

nor the end of an epic story

i am something to simply pass the time

 
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i would rather be hurt by the truth

than torn apart by a lie

phoenix

you set me afire

to my very core

every part of me sparked

and burned bright

like beautiful dancing flames

entrancing and all consuming

 

until you burned too much

                             too high

                              too hot

and began to scorch and tear

the very core you had set aflame

 

i crumbled into charcoal and dust

 

i was no longer whole

but a thousand microscopic ashes

of pain and regret

a pile of dirt you kicked about

 

but i realise now

i was not ashes and dust and dirt

but a thousand infinitesimal

diamonds in the rough

waiting to be reconstructed

                      reborn

into a brilliant masterpiece

 

full of lessons and beauty

      of strength and iridescence

i was so much more than those ashes

 

i am so much more

 

i realise now

i needed the flame to burn me

so that i could uncover and understand

the spectacular

      perplexing

      bewildering

      incandescence

that lives within me

 

-       how will you ever heal if you have not burned?

you wouldn’t be where you are today without the mistakes you made in the past

be thankful you messed up

you’ve learned

you’ve grown

you’ve changed

 

you are learning still

             growing still

discovering the light within

 

shine

crack

break

grow

and shine brighter

this is an ending but it is not the end

an ending is also a new beginning

for every day ends when the light of a new one begins

i’ve tried for so long

not to let your words

become permanently etched in ink onto

the skin of my soul

but i am stained with colour

i am permanently marked by your existence

and i cannot help but cry and laugh all at once

as the colours bleed into everything

i touch

i say

i do

-       i am permanently blended with you

i can still feel all your broken promises

your whispered words

and fiery kisses

like a ghost on my lips

 

i feel you in the whispers of the wind

telling me that i am not alone

just because i cannot see

the stars and the moon

in this darkness

doesn’t mean they aren’t shining for me

i hold scars and fractures

evidence of the will of the world

on my head and my heart

 

i heal and i break

constantly

sometimes i break more than i heal

 

i am unfinished

but i am not without process 

 

i am whole and shattered

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it is as if i was drowning with rocks attached to my feet

like i was walking on a road made of rose thorns

and now i am surrounded by the lake of past memories

walking on the clouds above the world i once knew

ready to jump and fly again

an unknown

 

sitting in an empty apartment

with brand new lingerie that doesn’t quite fit

letting the open window

filter the noise of a city unknown

undiscovered

i am not me

i am living in a limbo

between

the old and the new

ready to figure it out

to fail and to cry

to try

nothing fits quite yet

but it is up to me

to see what does

- the puzzle will come together

i was right about us

we shone so bright that we burst into flames

i’m not sure when they turned from

heats of love to burns of rage

 
 

sometimes no matter how much you care

we outgrow one another

shooting in different directions

wrapping and reaching

weaving through life

it’s hard when the seasons change and the people don’t

we were always broke but it took the pain of us ending to realise that it was pre-destined this way from the start

it started with a glass of red wine

a previously unliked crimson liquid which transformed into a warm and welcome surprise

much like you - unexpected, never thought of or previously considered 

a new possibility


empty wine bottles adorn in my flat now - serving like pictures

snapshots of evenings and discussions had over the contents of the now empty glass

decorations and reminders of moments in time i don’t want to forget

you are poetry,

soft-spoken, unassuming, stringing stories into words. you are hidden in the depths of ink and leave behind a mark.

you are poetry,

bold and shocking. loud and saying ‘i am here. i deserve to be heard.’ the voice is eloquent and wholly you, showing yourself in the choir that you are surrounded by.

you are poetry,

a blend of art and everyday tools - words, voices, thoughts. the mix is a colour i’ve never seen, a sound i’ve never heard, a scent i’ve never tasted, a feeling i’ve never grasped.

you are poetry,

i will never forget the impression you have left behind, etched into my soul evermore.